Please, let this be the answer to my prayers...

I wrote this post on 4/18/2009 and wanted to share it now

I feel inspired to share one of the hardest and deepest and most heart wrenching struggles of my life. I hope that those reading this will understand the sensitivity and sacredness of this subject to me. Yet, for some reason, I feel that I must share this with you.

Beginning over 8 1/2 years ago I started to notice that my sensitive, loving, secure and brilliant 16 month-old son was changing. A once talkative and without-fear boy stopped talking, starting being afraid to being alone (even for a minute) and stopped eating everything in sight (instead he gaged on almost all his food). The worry of the young mother was discounted due to inexperience and sense that I was "over-reacting." After years of worry and the encouragement of my family, I started to get testing for my little boy. First came speech, then came psychologist, then PT, then school based testing.

Year after year I was told, "Hunter is special.... We really cannot put our finger on what is going with him.... He may be autistic.... He may have a learning disability.... We do not have any answers for you.... Well, let's put him on this med and that med even though it might not make a difference.... Oh, so that medicine isn't' making a difference, let's double the dose and add another one.... Since that therapy didn't work, we will try this.... Now let's get EEG's, EKG's, x-rays, full IQ testing, etc., etc., etc" The list was never ending and I kept asking myself, "Is all this stuff hurting him even more?"

Wonderful friends introduced to me methods new to me -- organic foods, special private tutoring with instruction on visual stimulus and whole body learning, music therapy, sensory integration techniques and on and on. My parents counseled me and fasted for us and prayed for us and received inspiration to help us. Yet, I still felt like I needed more answers and I needed to be able to help my son MORE.

The school system in MI was excellent for Hunter (PT, OT, speech, resource room, social groups, hand-selected teachers) but at times I thought to myself, "Is all this extra time that he is taken out of class benefiting him and helping him become an independent, socially adept individual?" Each area helped Hunter in many ways but still, we were missing something.

Then we moved to AZ -- which has been both a blessing and a challenge. We live in a little bit of paradise where we can enjoy the fresh and clean outdoors. Hunter has an amazing 4th grade teacher that shares much of my same concerns and has adapted his in-class education to fit his learning. But, due to budget restraints and limited resources, many of the vital aspects of Hunter's education has been withdrawn. No PT, no OT, no social groups and only supervision speech. I keep being told that Hunter is a smart boy that is too smart for the resource room but is still struggling with basic written language. So, we decided to get help for him out of the classroom. Three days per week tutoring and then driving 3 hours each way for an hour appointment with trained specialists. Each tip took Hunter out of his much needed school routine and class instruction.

I find myself crying more often than not when it comes to knowing what to do for my little man. As a mom, isn't my sole responsibility in life to protect and strengthen and enhance my child? Will this most precious child of mine grow to be a high function adult? Will he get a great job and be able to provide for himself? Will he have good friends? Will he be able to serve a mission? Will he be happy? What can I do now to help his future? Yet, each place I turn leads to unanswered questions and dead ends.

So, I have been praying -- praying for years and years in fact. Sometimes I find myself kneeling by his bedside while he is sleeping praying for him with all my faith and all my love. As a pear up at him through my tears, I feel deeply that he is a special spirit that was sent to me to love and help. I feel blessed everyday to be his mom. Yet sometimes I feel that I am failing miserably. Do I have what it takes to fight this big battle for my son? Am I the right person to have such a special responsibility? I plead to the Lord for strength and understanding beyond my abilities.

Last night was another one of those nights. I prayed and prayed to find answers and to be lead to make the right choices for him and for my family. Then came an answer that I have received several times. "Continue to pray, read your scriptures, speak softly and take the time to research your options."

This morning, during the usual Saturday early morning grading and email checking, I felt inspired to stop what I was doing and search the web. I typed in the address bar a very specific search and as soon as I opened the link, my eyes were drawn to a little paragraph. Immediately I started to cry. At first I thought, "what in the WORLD are you crying about now?" But almost instantaneous I realized that I was following the prompting of the spirit and was researching (just as I was instructed in my prayer last night) and I was given specific direction. I know that this Holy guidance, given my obedience and continued faith, will help my son.

I love you Hunter McKay! Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.

Just try it...

maybe it's not the prettiest front flip off a wake and maybe he has never landed one but each time Ian wakeboards he always ends with a show. People ewe and ahh, kids clap and cheer and others laugh saying "what was that"?!? But at least he tries, gets a little closer to success and enjoys himself doing it.

In general I am definitely the OPPOSITE of Ian -- making sure I stick to solemn skiing because I know I won't fall and would never in a million years try a flip while I'm being pulled behind a ski boat at 33 mph. Yet, sometimes I think why don't I just try -- it's might be fun if I did. I probably will belly flop but would love the belly laughter from sheer disaster of the wipe out while being proud that I had the guts to do it.

In life, ofttimes I take the comfortable way out since it's easier, less risky, more popular, etc. but sometimes it need to take the leap of faith and just do it. Sing a little more, volunteer do to things out of my comfort zone, try a new task, talk to someone I normally wouldn't talk to, stand up for what is right, fill myself with full (not empty, time wasting) memories, and just laugh and pray my way through the failures.

Who wants to join me?

Its been a long, long time....

since I have written on my blog. So many things has gone by. Almost 6 full months of no updates, no writings of funny things my kids say, no pictures, no written memories.

As I prepared for my gospel doctrine lesson (my new calling) I was impressed to be more diligent in sharing my memories and my testimony. I have learned so much since I have been blessed with such a difficult and humbling calling -- I would be remiss to not post some of my feeling each week.

This week we talked about Jonah. Aw, the stubbornness and fear of Jonah (sounds a little like me sometimes). I can relate in his fear of going to unfamiliar territory to share the gospel to those not of his faith (in actuality, to a historically brutal and totally barbaric society). It has always been difficult to me to be a member missionary. Could it be that I fear offending and alienating those I speak to? Will they value the Book of Mormon or discard is as something worthless? Will they challenge my very existence and make a mockery of my testimony? It may be a combination of all. I am sure that Jonah also asked these similar questions and even dug deeper as he feared for his life.

Yet today, while studying, I realized that missionary work is equal to LOVE. Love of our family, love of the gospel, love of mankind and love of Jesus Christ. I expanded my definition to only only include proselyting with a name tag bearing "Sister Brimhall" but it also includes teaching my children the gospel, being kind to strangers, having families over for dinner, seeking friends outside our church, attending the temple, participating in humanitarian efforts, laughing with a patient, and bearing my simple testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ through posting on my blog so that maybe somewhere, sometime, someone may be touched by the Spirit that also touches me.

We are TOTALLY Before Braille...

Groupies. A few months ago we were lucky enough to be in town for the 10 year reunion concert of Before Braille (my Bro's band). It made me feel like a young 20 year-old again -- getting ready at 10 pm to go out for the night 'til at least 2 am. Now, after a "late night out" I plop down on my bed around 10ish, barely able to brush my teeth due to absolute fatigue. I remember heading out the the concerts with my big fat prego belly and could feel Hunter kick like crazy to the music. Now, I have a beautiful jelly roll that (as Bo would say) is fat and fluffy that flops around with the slightest movement. Boy-OBoy do times ever change.

This time Hunter, Harrison (Kadan crashed and we could not wake him) and I loaded into the Yukon (a definite mommy car) XL (extended length to hold even more kids) and drove to Tempe. When we arrived we were treated like celebrates -- free CDs, buttons, stickers and then snuck backstage to hang out in the "holding room." Can I just say -- "How Totally RAD!?!"

We had a wonderful time head bangin' to the music as Dave rocked out with the mic or guitar. I must admit that I have ALWAYS loved to watch Dave perform -- he is totally and completely crazy -- body slams, airborn splits, etc. etc. Tonight, 10 years later, the intensity was the same while he entertained us with our favorites like "Good Night Quite Noise" and "Proventel." Dave even dedicated "Good Night Quite Noise" to his 3 awesome nephews.

Okay, gotta post this one real quick...

So, we have been working on memorizing all the articles of faith since Addy was a toddler. Tonight I decided to give them a little incentive and since money definitely talks, I came up with a Disneyland fund. They can earn $1 for each article of faith and then save it when we go to Disneyland (sometime in the distant future).

Tonight, Kadan then Hunter then Addy passed off #2 like champs. Then it was Bo's turn. With tons of encouragement from the other kid-e-o's and lots of coaching she finally made it through with hand gestures, giving her beginning sounds to the words, etc. So, way she went (somewhat sheepishly and then ending with confidence):

"We believe that man will be punished (pounding her hand with her fist) for their own sins, not (waving her finger back and forth) for Adam's Transformers."

He, he, he!!! Gotta love it!

Feeling like the white rabbit on Alice in Wonderland...

I'm Late, I'm late, for a very important date!!!!

Time is just going too fast. Not enough time to accomplish even 1/2 of what I need to do in a day. With kids birthday's, projects, school, after school activities, training for the Ragnar, work, online work, church, friends, radio talk shows, house chores, skiing every moment we can, errands, Dr's visits, etc, etc, etc I am just falling way behind. Not even enough time to post how precious and wonderful Hunter and Addy are to me (since their birthdays' are in February). I will try to catch up after my large relay race this weekend (that is a story all in itself).

Wish me luck!

Growing up WAY too fast...

Can't we just freeze them right where they are? All my lovely kids are at the perfect age -- still completely innocent, think their parents rock, enjoy the little things, have a 8 o'clock bedtime, can clean their messes, love family home evening, think the "s" word is stupid and the "f" word is fart, love Santa and the tooth fairy, can still be carried up the stairs to bed, want to spend every minute with their mom, ski for free, aren't afraid of saying what is on their mind, can wear the same outfit 3 days in a row and still want to wear it again, have toothless smiles, get discounts at Disneyland, sneak into bed with me at night to cuddle, want to be read bedtime stories, sing in high pitched voices, let me fix their hair, carpool for play dates, love learning, have a special relationship with Christ.

Seeing this picture of Addy makes me realize that these precious moments are fleeting. With every day she gets smarter and stronger and braver and confidenter (I know it's not a word but it makes for a great parallel listing of information -- wink). So, bring on the cuddling, the loving, the giggling, the messing, the hair brushing, the books, the singing, the playing, the whining, the dancing, the gaming, the carpooling, the needing to spend every second of the day with mom for confirmation that they are the most wonderful, crazy, loving stinkers that are mine -- all mine!!!

Love you!!!!!!!